Okechukwu Effoduh: Stories from parents of LGBT children: My meeting with PFLAG

On the 7th day of June 2012, at fancy diner in Philadelphia – the largest city in the Pennsylvania State of the US, I had breakfast with three parents who are members of PFLAG. PFLAG stands for parents, families and friends of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons. They individually shared their stories with me.

Taksa is the president of PFLAG in Philadelphia. She is Jewish. Her son, who is now 25 years old, came out to her 9 years ago.

My son was 16 years old when he came out to us as gay, and that was when my journey started because in PFLAG we say that when a child has come out then the parents will begin their own coming out process. The dream that my son would date a girl, go to a prom, get engaged and then get married, was all of a sudden gone. I was afraid, for his safety, one moment I taught he was in the majority, a white heterosexual male and then boom – I realized he was in the 10% minority.

So I began to think, what is this new reality? And over time and after joining PFLAG: that somewhere out there, there would be a mom who would raise a terrific son like mine and they will get together and have companionship – as I believe that is what parents want from children.

He said he knew he was gay when he was 13 and he didn’t tell us for 3 years and when I look back, I feel very sad that he kept it all to himself for 3 years without telling anybody. He would come home from school and I would ask: “Hope everything went well today?” and once he said, “Mom, if I promise to tell you when something goes wrong, will you promise to stop asking me that?”. Well, he called me one day at work, he was distressed. They had called him a nasty name in a public environment. He was outed in high school in a very bad way and he was bullied.

I told him that he didn’t have to be out of school but he said “no mom, I can’t be the only kid in my high school who is gay” but he said to himself: “I can do it because i am smart and I am tall” I didn’t know what tall had to do with it (laughs) until recently I asked him and he said he meant that he could handle himself. He single handedly educated all his friends about what being gay is all about and they came to terms with it. Gay was no longer this idea far away, it was my son Ben. He was going to be a mathematician but he is now a lawyer.

I have met the most amazing persons in PFLAG. The LGBT people in PFLAG have educated me so much! I have even learnt that some things I can say innocently can sound hurtful, for example, being gay is not a lifestyle, my one gay friend said: “if I eat out or eat at home, that’s a lifestyle; my sexual orientation is how I was born”. When we go to school to give presentations I hold up pictures of my son from infancy to adulthood and I ask them “does he look gay?” they go “no!” but the truth is he is gay. He can’t change his sexual orientation as he cannot change his eye colour. If one has brown eyes but wears blue contacts, their eyes are still brown.

Philadelphia is one of the first states to pass an LGBT inclusive anti-discrimination law. Today is my 61st birthday by the way, in the ’50s, I was young then, it was legal to discriminate against my family. They were Jewish. People of colour and even Catholics were discriminated also. They can say, you may not live in this house, you may not join this organization, you may not work here – as a Jew, sometimes as a woman, as a person of colour, and it was legal. They called it “restricted”. They will put ads in the paper for jobs and they called it “restricted”. Now that was in the ’50s. Its 2012 now and I feel that my son is living in a restricted world. My husband and I will be celebrating our 30th anniversary this month but then my son cannot marry. Why? We need to realize that not all humans are the same. Not every gay person is the same, and not every straight person is the same. In PFLAG all we want to do is not have a reason not to exist. We are straight people, we have gay children. That is who we are.

***
Frances’s daughter came out to her as a lesbian. It happened in ’90s when she received a letter from her daughter, Kerry. She was very reluctant to open the letter, even if it was already two weeks since she got it. Frances already had a clue on what was written in the letter, but she was afraid to read and face it. Kerry, who was in college at that time, was in the middle of her degree and was wearing down as she was just coming in terms with her sexuality. The easiest way she thought she could let her mother know was through a letter.
It’s a valentine’s story because it’s about love. Even as a mother, it took me 11 years to come out to my own family. I have an extended, conservative Italian family. I wrote this letter to all of them telling them about my daughter’s sexuality and the reason was that something derogatory was said in my family and I knew I couldn’t keep it any longer; I was not going to let them speak that way. I get emotional when I say this. When I wrote this letter to everyone in my family, I knew it was going to get to them on Valentine’s Day. I said in the letter that I received a similar letter too and it’s about love.
Although the Catholic Church is very conservative and strict, I spoke to my priest about it and he was supportive. So whenever I speak in the catholic environment, I want people to know that there are priests out there that are very supportive. There is a catholic organization for parents called Encourage, what they do is to tell you how to deal with it – like a 12 step programme, like an AA programme, like for people with addiction. I told them that my daughter is not a 12 step programme that I need to get over, she is a person that I love so that bothered me.
My daughter, in trying to help me understand her better told me about a book “Now that you know” this was in 1991. I even went to see a psychologist but the psychologist was of no help. It’s funny that this was in 1991 and there was still little known. Even in 1973, it was listed as part of mental illnesses but I knew too many gay people at that time so I knew better. Thank God for civilization now. In my 20’s I had a lot of gay friends – A lot. But I hadn’t met any lesbians. If you ever heard Cher’s story, her story is similar to mine. She was always accepting of her friends.
Looking at the childhood of my daughter, there were certain things I can mention, but are not meant to be considered: She never liked dolls and didn’t like to dress up, she preferred to wear pants, she loved the matchbox, she loved sports. The only thing she liked was a snoopy, you know the snoopy character? She liked sports and I liked that. As an elementary school teacher at that time, we were taught not to differentiate the activities for the boys and the girls. I have been a teacher for about 14 years before I began working in my husband’s business for another 14 years before we sold the business and retired. PFLAG has been around, they have been around since 1973 and they have books for women and also LGBT persons.
How long did it take me to accept my daughter? – There are many levels of accepting. I had concerns at first but I did not accept her. I did worry about her. I worried that she will be rejected by her family, then society. No one wants their child to be discriminated against. Things were tough then in 1991, there were a lot more challenges, and even today, we still don’t have a fully non-discrimination Act so it is still legal to discriminate my daughter in certain states here in the US. In about 38 states it is legal to fire a person for being transgender and in about 20 something states for being gay or lesbian. You must have heard that Barrack Obama just came out in support of marriage equality.
Even though I knew that my daughter’s sexuality wasn’t a choice, there is still that denial. You go through the stages of grief. My immediate concern was not for her to marry and have my grandchildren; my immediate concern was her safety and also my family because I knew how they were. I remember President Clinton came out for gays in the military and there was a huge uproar and he had an awful time getting support for that. My father being a navy man, he was angry that president Clinton would even think of such a thing and that was what made me know that I could never come out to my dad about my daughter. That was my fear, that she will just be rejected by her family. I really love her – but I wasn’t as supportive as I taught I would. I needed that courage. I didn’t come out to my family for 11 years and I became the president of PFLAG for 11 years. You can imagine how I felt. I knew I would be on the local news; even nationally, I got press about that. I knew I had to come out. The thing was that when something derogatory was said, I didn’t have a voice, I didn’t speak up and that’s what made me come out. My cousin said something equating homosexuality to bestiality and my immediate response was “did I hear that correctly? This is about somebody I love, did they actually say that?” I was with a group of people so I didn’t want to make a scene. I was there and when I got home I did not sleep, I tossed and turned. At this point, my father knew. I always asked my daughter if I could reveal her sexuality and she said it was up to me, she was living in Boston at the time and so I told my father. He cried when I told him because he felt bad that it took me several years to open up to him, he said: “why did it take this long?, why didn’t you tell me?”. But I had to be ready, I wasn’t ready. My husband kept telling me “you should tell your father’ and I said, “you don’t understand; I am not ready”. I think we all go through what our children go through. The same way they have to be ready to tell us, we have to be ready to tell other people. So, on that day when I didn’t speak up, I tossed and turned at night, I couldn’t sleep, I felt bad and then I stood up to write the letter to my family members and I sent it out to all of them even those that already knew because my cousin did know. You tell the people first that you know will be supportive, some of them were family members. My husband’s family was more supportive than mine which is hard because he is my daughter’s stepfather. I was concerned about my family. I am happy that I got positive feedback after the letter.
Now my daughter is married and just gave birth to twin girls in the end of March. I thank God for that but like I said my concern was not marriage and grandchildren but was for her to live her own life just like everyone else, to be happy – and that includes marriage and children. She lives in Massachusetts. She got married in March and they’ve been trying to have children through IVF. Twins are not easy. The twins will be 3 months at the end of the month. Positive things can happen. Every PFLAG parent will tell you this: your life will become very rich and full when you become accepting. You don’t realize the amount of love that you have inside of you. (Breaks into tears) You can have so much love and want to protect your child to any degree and to know that acceptance is everything.
***
John is the father to a gay son who came out to him when he was 13. His son was bullied in school and went into depression. John is an advocate for LGBT inclusive laws.
When people are forced to change it has psychologically proven to be very dangerous. It is not something that doctors and psychiatrists advise because it has led to ruin lives, often suicide. Religious pressures often lead to these kinds of things. My name is John; I have been involved with PFLAG for about 3 years now. My son came out when he was about 13 years old in middle school. In middle school things were a little bit tough for him. He started to get bullied at 9th grade in high school. People were calling him names, making him feel less than human. He went into severe depression! He was hospitalized for 10 days and was treated for severe depression which brought him into a crisis and that started my journey with PFLAG as well as some other organizations. What I was most interested in was to make my son’s path through life easier for him, knowing that there are a lot of things that heterosexuals take for granted in the U.S like the rights for LGBT individuals. My whole family got involved in advocacy. I was part of the marriage equality legislation in New Jersey, I got involved in establishing the policies for anti-bullying laws that were passed two years ago and I have gotten a lot of support.
My wife and I suspected that our son was gay from a very young age. You could tell when he was about 5. When he was in school, he was attracted to the girls, always friends with the girls and was very protective of them. He had this girlfriend of his who was his support sister. We didn’t see what he was going through in school, he would come and tell us that everything was okay and it became obvious later that the school environment was a very dangerous environment for him and that was when he suffered severe depression
My son is very academic, he never missed 3 days of school in his entire life and it became very quickly known in school that something perhaps had happened to him. When he came back to school all the bullying had stopped. The administration got involved, found out the individuals who were responsible and they made sure it stopped. My wife and I are catholic, we have members in my family who are involved in serious religious activities but surprisingly, they have been very supportive. He is 18 now and he will attend university this week.
***

PFLAG stands for parents, families and friends of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons. They celebrate diversity and embrace everyone, including those of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities. They believe that only with respect, dignity and equality for all will we reach our full potential as human beings, individually and collectively. PFLAG welcomes the participation and support of all who share in, and hope to realize the vision.

The mission of PFLAG is to promote the health and well-being of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender persons, their families and friends through support, to cope with an adverse society; education, to enlighten an ill-informed public; and advocacy, to end discrimination and to secure equal civil rights. Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays provide an opportunity for dialogue about sexual orientation and gender identity and acts to create a society that is healthy and respectful of human diversity.

About the reporter: Okechukwu Effoduh has been a freelance journalist for 6 years. He anchors a radio programme under the BBC Media Action called “Flava” – a native youth programme on HIV and other sexual reproductive health issues which are aired on over 90 radio stations in Nigeria with about 24 million listeners tuning in weekly. Okechukwu is also a Human Rights Lawyer and was nominated by the US government to participate in a one week Human Rights Tour in the US where he acquired firsthand experience on the LGBT issues prevailing in America. Follow Okechukwu on twitter @jakechukwu, Facebook via www.facebook.com/flavapresenter or email [email protected]